Perhaps your numbness is that you are still processing the passing of your Mom. A moment you knew was inevitable, even welcomed because of her suffering, but now a moment past any chance of saying things you have been holding in for so long. The painful feelings that have lived there in your heart. Probably not having been able to get there before she passed did not make a difference. Maybe even is a relief to not have to try to explain again your grief at missing her love and the care we crave in a mother. Who knows why she could not display that. It was not your fault. You were just a child. But now she is gone and you are left to reconcile your feelings. Numbness now, but I think you will feel more. Maybe it is a matter of taking the chance to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Crying is ok. Relief. The past cannot be changed, but you might think of things in a different light. As you alluded to, she may have had her own issues in life. That is how I reconciled my distance from my own Mother. I think we both missed a chance at something. I don’t know why. But I came to embrace my own self. Sometimes I love me and sometimes I don’t. I am grateful for my qualities that I like and keep working on the ones I don’t. Life is a work in progress. Hopefully we learn lessons from our experiences. Maybe you are a better Mom to Seth because of your past. Take your time. Much love.
So sorry for your family's loss, and most of all, for the distant relationship that could not be bridged. Both you and your mother deserved better. Death brings strong emotions one way or another, even the death of a troubled parent. But it also brings an opportunity for us to prepare for our own death. It is a learning experience that cannot be created at will; it only comes with a dose of luck and the will to be present. Your numbness is a valuable protection for your own psyche, but it also robs you of an important experience. Only time will allow you some insights and relief. And hopefully you can be present for your father's passing, or someone else close to you. The circle may be broken, but may it also be closed, by and by.
Perhaps your numbness is that you are still processing the passing of your Mom. A moment you knew was inevitable, even welcomed because of her suffering, but now a moment past any chance of saying things you have been holding in for so long. The painful feelings that have lived there in your heart. Probably not having been able to get there before she passed did not make a difference. Maybe even is a relief to not have to try to explain again your grief at missing her love and the care we crave in a mother. Who knows why she could not display that. It was not your fault. You were just a child. But now she is gone and you are left to reconcile your feelings. Numbness now, but I think you will feel more. Maybe it is a matter of taking the chance to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Crying is ok. Relief. The past cannot be changed, but you might think of things in a different light. As you alluded to, she may have had her own issues in life. That is how I reconciled my distance from my own Mother. I think we both missed a chance at something. I don’t know why. But I came to embrace my own self. Sometimes I love me and sometimes I don’t. I am grateful for my qualities that I like and keep working on the ones I don’t. Life is a work in progress. Hopefully we learn lessons from our experiences. Maybe you are a better Mom to Seth because of your past. Take your time. Much love.
So sorry for your family's loss, and most of all, for the distant relationship that could not be bridged. Both you and your mother deserved better. Death brings strong emotions one way or another, even the death of a troubled parent. But it also brings an opportunity for us to prepare for our own death. It is a learning experience that cannot be created at will; it only comes with a dose of luck and the will to be present. Your numbness is a valuable protection for your own psyche, but it also robs you of an important experience. Only time will allow you some insights and relief. And hopefully you can be present for your father's passing, or someone else close to you. The circle may be broken, but may it also be closed, by and by.